And I confess....

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I don't know why I'm always easily mad on small and trivial things. Especially mad at my loved one. I don't know the reason..I just hardly know.. There are always things that he did or say that drive me mad. I'm just astounded, what's happening with me? What's wrong? I feel I'm not the person I used to be. Well, I used to have tolerances to other people, affections, love, care...But why I can't tolerate small and insignificant mistakes that he did (that I'm sure he didn't do it on purpose)?

First, I blame the hormones. I have an irregular period since the first time I got it, and I guess it's the pioneer of making my feeling up and down, including my feeling toward my loved one. One day I miss and love him, the next day I hate him and regret my decision of taking him as my loved one. Sometimes the feeling just turned upside down in minutes (!) Sometimes, I am sad for hours..thinking about his past with his ex..yupp, things get very irrational. I start to think : am I special to him? What number am I to belong to him as his woman? Am I the fifth? the sixth? or the tenth? Does he kiss me the same way as he kissed his ex? What does his ex look alike? Am I prettier than his ex? Is she slim? Why did they break up? When? Isn't it too fast for him to fall in love for me just 5 months after he was being dump by his ex? What does he want from me?
Or...I'm just jealous with his girlfriends (especially the one that he constantly mentions all the time :-( )

Secondly, I blame my expectations. Maybe I expect too much on him. But, hey..he's the first man that ever being with me for more than a month, so what?? I truly hope this relationship to last forever, ..so I think I should (or MUST) expect big things from him, and I find out that I'm easily disappointed when He fails to fulfill those expectations..On the other side, I want to be with him, but on the other side, my heart still have another desire, for someone better...:-( But isn't it strange, that when I have desire to flirt with other guys I don't want to imagine him to be with anyone else but me?

Maybe we need more time..to understand each other..
Well, He's nice, patient, loving..always try to understand me...

I like him, and I want to be with him...but I'm afraid to love him completely..I'm afraid of unhappiness and sorrow in the future, I'm afraid that He will change (when we get married, have children and get old I'm afraid he will cheat on me)..I'm afraid that all of his kindness will change after years...

Maybe I'm not prepared and ready for a commitment, for a serious relationship (whaaaaaatttt??? in this age????) ..maybe I just need more time to know myself better and what I want in life...

Maybe these feelings are wrong. Maybe I just need to pray more, to ask God for clues... God..is this the way toward the true love that You've promised me???

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